redecorating

redecorating is really fun

once you get past the nervousness

y’know, the what if I mess it up

what if I pick the wrong colours, toss the wrong furniture

what if it turns out awful and then I have to live here

but hey, you’re living there anyway

and right now you hate that wallpaper

and the organisation doesn’t work for you

and you’re already stuck with it

so why not?

I started temporary, cautious

with a few posters

paintings and sketches

things I could take down

if I didn’t really like them

but I really liked them

found myself pausing, smiling

just staring at my walls

instead of burying my head in books

and trying not to notice them pressing in

I started moving faster

I repainted the door

reorganised the bookshelves

made room on the desk for picture frames

and painted bold swirls of colour over the ceiling

and suddenly I could breathe

I could fill my lungs up

and open my eyes

and exist in my own space

for the first time

I don’t think I could survive going back

I’m making plans to paint my whole wall

moving the bed away

picking my colours

calling in consultants

and they always ask, aren’t you nervous?

are you sure? aren’t you a little too young

to be changing things you’ll be stuck with forever?

but that wallpaper is driving me crazy

and hey, aren’t I stuck with it already?